Wednesday
New Household Appliance Keeps Floors, Souls Spotless
VATICAN CITY--The company that brought you the Roomba™ (vacuum cleaning) and Scooba™ (floor washing) and Looja™ (gutter robot) is pleased to present its latest product, which is the fruit of an unlikely collaboration between the iRobot Corporation and the Roman Catholic church called the Puurja™, the self-castigating robot that atones for your sins so you don’t have to.
Venial sin collects around the house if you don’t have time to tidy your soul. Puurja™ is one of the newest innovations in home maintenance, soul and conscience cleansing, advanced anti-blasphemy technology and assisting the transitioning from a corrupted state to one of grace.
* Covers 4 household members on a single battery charge
* Wireless Guilt Alleviation
* On-board Penance
* Self-charging Absolution Stand®
* 3 Virtual Confessionals®
* Rugged burlap finish
* 7 Mortal Sin filters
* 40 modular Venial Sin filters
The Puurja™ is a confluence of groundbreaking modern housecleaning technology, the Roman Catholic doctrine of issuing indulgences, and the British folk tradition of the sin-eater, in which a beggar is hired to take on, through ritual means, the sins of a dying or dead person through food or drink, thereby absolving his or her soul and allowing that person to rest in peace.
The Puurja™ achieves similar results by tracking its way along the floor of the customer’s home, like a penitent on hands and knees, collecting and absolving the sin of the household as it goes. It is not uncommon for the Puurja™, upon being burdened with a particularly grave act of sin, to run itself into a wall repeatedly for hours on end. Many believe this is a malfunction, but it is simply the sin working its way through a particularly involved absolution. Sometimes the Puurja™ will also let out a blood curdling cry or wail, and a grinding sound in the mechanisms gears simulates the gnashing of teeth*. When customers see their Puurja™ hard at work, outfitted in ragged burlap sackcloth and covered in ash, they can rest secure knowing that the price has been paid ($129.95) for their burden of sin.
*Puurja may also set itself on fire.
Venial sin collects around the house if you don’t have time to tidy your soul. Puurja™ is one of the newest innovations in home maintenance, soul and conscience cleansing, advanced anti-blasphemy technology and assisting the transitioning from a corrupted state to one of grace.
* Covers 4 household members on a single battery charge
* Wireless Guilt Alleviation
* On-board Penance
* Self-charging Absolution Stand®
* 3 Virtual Confessionals®
* Rugged burlap finish
* 7 Mortal Sin filters
* 40 modular Venial Sin filters
The Puurja™ is a confluence of groundbreaking modern housecleaning technology, the Roman Catholic doctrine of issuing indulgences, and the British folk tradition of the sin-eater, in which a beggar is hired to take on, through ritual means, the sins of a dying or dead person through food or drink, thereby absolving his or her soul and allowing that person to rest in peace.
The Puurja™ achieves similar results by tracking its way along the floor of the customer’s home, like a penitent on hands and knees, collecting and absolving the sin of the household as it goes. It is not uncommon for the Puurja™, upon being burdened with a particularly grave act of sin, to run itself into a wall repeatedly for hours on end. Many believe this is a malfunction, but it is simply the sin working its way through a particularly involved absolution. Sometimes the Puurja™ will also let out a blood curdling cry or wail, and a grinding sound in the mechanisms gears simulates the gnashing of teeth*. When customers see their Puurja™ hard at work, outfitted in ragged burlap sackcloth and covered in ash, they can rest secure knowing that the price has been paid ($129.95) for their burden of sin.
*Puurja may also set itself on fire.
