Specula-tacular

In a press release and conference, interim White House press secretary Andrea Schullman criticized the New York Times for reporting that George W. Bush remains president, despite only being elected once in the 2004 presidential elections.

"Reckless, terroristic reporting," is how Schullman described the story. "The American people are ill-served by such grotesque violations of our national security." Schullman claimed that the story may violate the Terrorism and Information Act of 2009, which provides severe penalties for reporting national secrets. Debate about the meaning of "national secrets" has remained behind closed doors.

"To release the meaning of national secrets would give too much information to our enemies," stated a Congressional representative who refused to allow his name to be published.

Current president Scott McClelland, once Bush's press secretary, criticized the story by speakerphone from Camp David.

"I'm president," McClelland said. "I'm the one in Camp David, ordering people around. I'm the Camp Davider."

Among other revelations, the embattled Times reported that President Bush has been secretly consulting the ailing Dick Cheney, who resigned as Vice-President after his second term and later relocated to an isolated ranch in his home state of Wyoming. Cheney has been unavailable to the media since 2010, when he began refusing comment on sensitive issues even within his own family. A cousin close to the Cheney family reported that Cheney's physicians were concerned because of his unwillingness to reveal medical information to them, and that his physicians were often not allowed to read media reports about Cheney, out of concern that they might be biased against the former oil executive.

Mr. Bush, from his ranch in Texas, got a good laugh out of the Times story.

"Oh, I know Boody," he said, using the familiar nickname for Times publisher Penny Boudreaux. "We can resolve this .... problem .... easily."

Creationist Fiction Tops Best Seller Lists (Ussher-Lightfoot Time Magazine)

(Alexander, AL) Outside a small bookstore in the usually sleepy rural town, crowds stretch around the block for nearly a quarter mile awaiting the release of the newest bestseller from Dr. (honorary degree) Thaddeus Smithson author of the "What If God..." series. The snowballing popularity of this new movement, which borrows heavily from the "science fiction" genre popularized in the last century (and systematically eradicated midway through the current century) is growing so rapidly it's fans believe zealously that it must be the divine will of an invisible and omnipotent entity.

"Me and my family just love the books," said stay at home mom and home-school teacher June Bartlett, "The stories are so fanciful and at the same time exalt our Lord of Lords Jesus Christ. Really, to think of what the world would be like if God had created some kind of bizarre giant reptiles sometime before the flood, or if God almighty made this crazy system using what Dr. Smithson calls 'empirical data', did I say that right?.. and something, I think it's 'factual evidence', to achieve predictable results, of course we know God never did anything like that 'cause it isn't in the scriptures. But you know sometimes it's fun to be a little scared of The Almighty, it strengthens our faith as a communion in the loving sight of our sweet baby Jesus."

When asked about his fantastic success Dr. Smithson said, "I think it's important for us to realize how lucky we really are. If God had wanted to put any of this in the Bible, he durn well could have brought it to pass seeing as He is all powerful, but in His stern love for us he decided to not bring these things into being by omitting their mention from the most sacred of sacred texts which we all understand are the the only law and way. But still God can do anything, so he could have done anything. Do you hear what I am saying brother? He's had 6000 years of things he could have been doing with the Earth, He could do them now if He wanted. He could do or re-undo anything anytime. Now that is power."

Smithson went on to state that he is currently working on a work of nonfiction written entirely in tounges, "It's gonna be so sho lo obobasacta babashinta you'll deka mosho pa kamo disalaba in your pants."

(click image to enlarge)

THE PRESIDENT IS IN YOUR PERSONAL NETWORK (Newsday)

The massive federal contract for conducting the electronic voting in the 2020 Presidential Election has been awarded to MySpace.com, the ubiquitous social networking site, announced Whitehouse spokeswoman Jelli Maroon at a press briefing this morning.

Diebold Corporation, who has provided computers and systems for the last five presidential elections, was denied the contract in April after recently declassified documents revealed extensive vote fraud in the 2004 and 2008 elections.

"This is going to be the best election - ever. I most certainly am being for reals, here, folks," said Congresswoman (and Republican presidential hopeful) Jenna Bush (R-TX). "Now we'll see who really gets the most 'popular' votes."

"Now the people of America will be able to truly experience new levels of interactivity and access to voting," said Senator Adrian Malkoven (D-RI). "I invite you today to the opportunity to visit my MySpace page. If you have any doubt that I have the mad skills necessary to move this country forward, you can check out my six thousand testimonials."

Critics have called the plan "stupid." Congressional leaders in support of the contract assignment have said "No, it so totally not stupid." Critics are expected to issue a press release rejoinder later in the week.

INFINITE HUMMER NO BUMMER (Newsweek – Auto Trends)

Following the success of the extremely popular H10, Hummer teamed up with NASA and unveiled the prototype of the H∞ yesterday at North American International Auto Show in Silicon Valley yesterday. Billed as “The World’s Only Infinite SUV,” the H∞ extends infinitely toward the rear, snaking out into space and time.

(LEFT) A photo of the H∞, courtesy of Hummer & NASA. The SUV extends infinitely to the left of the frame (infinity not pictured).

The scientists who developed the project have no illusions about the actual functionality of a vehicle that extends infinitely in one direction. “The Hummer as a practical tool for off-roading effectively ended with the H5,” said Head Designer and Theoretician Everett Eismann, “and H7-H9 were set pieces, good for displaying on a few acres of land, but by no means fit for the road.”

Eismann and his team of designers and mathemeticians suffered a major setback two years ago when they attempted to build an infinite SUV based on the frame of the Cadillac Escalade. The curved lines of the design caused a tempospatial instability in the lab and he lost several of his best scientists in the disaster. “It was a tough lesson, but we came away from that terrible experience having learned that the body segments must be as close to hexagonal as possible—and though I'll admit that no one wants an SUV that looks like a soccer ball, the rectilinear lines of the Hummer body structure were just close enough to work…theoretically and aesthetically.”

(ABOVE) The much maligned Infinite Escalade project (left) was marred with technological mishaps. The number of parts on the Escalade and the curvature of the design led to massive failures not encountered with the boxier, simplified H∞ (right). (Figures courtesy of E.Eismann)

“What we have done with the H∞ is essentially take the Hummer model into its next logical incarnation,” Eismann continued, “which means rendering a vehicle—if you can call it that—whose utter impracticality on the road is trumped only by the near-absolute power and prestige the H∞ confers on the owner.”

Pretty wild. Is there anything more in the works? “We were toying with a model that extends infinitely in all directions, but we ran into some complications.”

BREAKING NEWS: KEN LAY SPOTTED IN ANTIGUA? (AP)

Reporters and law enforcement officials are scrambling tonight to confirm or deny damning evidence that Kenneth Lay did not in fact die on on July 6, 2005, but perhaps slipped away to South America, where he's apparently been living for the last eleven years.

A young blogger, Travis Fartheart, armed with his laptop on a beach vacation in Antigua, happened upon a man on the beach whose biometrics perfectly matched the "late" Kenneth Lay. The blogger claims he was on vacation when he ran into Ken Lay on a beach in Antigua. Because he had his laptop with him, he was able to record the pictures and audio from what may well be one of last decade's most famous characters.

The official story, of course, is that Kenneth Lay died of an "apparent" heart attack after being convicted on numerous counts of embezzling millions of dollars from the failing Enron corporation. His "body" was cremated before any autopsy could be performed, the ashes spread over a secluded site in central Colorado.

At the time of Lay's "death," David Irwin, a former federal prosecutor who is now a white-collar defense attorney in Towson, Maryland said, "Prior to his death, the government could just say: `Hand over $40 million.' Prosecutors are now going to have to show that individual assets they want to seize were bought with funds illegally received from Enron. It's going to be a lot more work for them now.''

Indeed, that was work that federal prosecutors found overwhelming and soon abandoned as the terrorist attacks in the midwest ramped up in the early 2010s (such as the Toledo, Ohio, cafe bombing, and the St. Louis Mall explosion, both perpetrated by homegrown fundamentalists). The Enron case was soon forgotten

But remember, at the time, Enron's implosion from accounting fraud had wiped out more than 5,000 jobs and $1 billion in employee pensions virtually overnight. Shareholders claimed more than $25 billion in losses as a result of the crime. Lay and Skilling were convicted of lying to investors about Enron's debt and losses, much of which were hidden in off-the-books partnerships.

Lay had become the face of Enron through his enthusiastic public statements about the company, which he helped build into the seventh-largest U.S. company by sales. In August 2000, it reached its market value high of $68 billion. By the time it filed the second-largest bankruptcy in U.S. history in 2001, its shares were worth just pennies each.

A young Fartheart confronted the aging man on the tropical beach yesterday, calling out "Kenny Boy! Kenny Boy!" he reported on his blog. As he writes, the man turned to him with total revulsion, and said "Don't call me that, I always hated it when that cocksucker Georgie called me that."

After apologizing, Fartheart said the man was surprisingly friendly and willing to engage in chitchat about his past. A sunburnt Lay told him he'd been holing up at a "pretty sweet" mansion and "just taking it easy."

Fartheart, a political science major at Arkansas State University, recorded the sixty-eight minute conversation on his laptop. Among the questions Fartheart asked where "Why did you fake your death?"

"Man, they had it out for me. I knew too much, if I didn't fake it, they would make sure it happened for real," the voice answers.

"It wasn't the 25 to 40 you were looking at spending in the clink?" Fartheart asks.

"Oh man, that would've been easy to slip out of. It was Rove. He would've left me in a ditch, bro. Hey, check out that seagull."

Throughout, the man identifying himself as Kenneth Lay seemed to be a changed man.

Fartheart also asked him what he had been doing since his disappearance.

"Oh, just hanging out. George Will used to come down here in the summer, and we'd talk about how stupid people in America were, but that got old, you know? Blah, blah, blah, stupid masses, buy anything, you know? That guy's a real prick. You really have to die to appreciate living. Have you ever heard of ayuhusca? That shit'll blow your mind.

About his "death:"

"So how'd you do it?" Fartheart asked early in the interview.

"You really need to check up on some Serpent and the Rainbow, shit man."

"Yeah, so whose body did they cremate?"

"I don't want to talk about that," Lay responded.

About his legal troubles:

"Man, I could walk back into the US if I wanted to, probably be a hero, too. I just don't want to deal with all
that man. I measure happiness in starfish and margaritas, now, not money."

He's got a point. Joel Androphy, partner at Houston-based law firm Berg & Androphy, said that if a defendant is officially listed as deceased, civil claimants can't seek punitive damages. Any civil lawsuits would have to be limited to compensatory damages, or those losses that were actually incurred by an individual, he said.

"Am I worried about extradition? No. Am I worried about the heat that might come down because of our little talk? Well, yeah. But I've still got thirty million dollars. I'll be on another continent by the time you get back into cell phone coverage."

The biometric analysis on Fartheart's laptop that initially identified the man has been confiscated by the Federal government, and remains under review.

NEW VENDING MACHINES USE MICROCHIPS TO ADJUST PRICE (Rueters)

(Houston, Texas) Coca Cola introduced it's new line of "smart" vending machines in test markets in Houston, Atlanta, and Chicago today. The machines have sophisticated cameras and sensors that adjust the price of it's cold sugar-water beverages according to specific consumer desires.

It's the next generation of machines in the increasingly complex vending machine market. While consumers balked at first, over the last few years, they have grown used to machines that adjust the price on a digital readout according to outside temperature and time. But these new prototypes have sophisticated cameras and galvenometers that adjust price according to the particular desire of the consumer standing standing before it.

"I saw the Coke machine, it said 45 cents, and I was like, yeah, I want a Dew, and then while I was standing there, the price went up to a buck fifty. I thought I just had lousy timing. I bought it, but I was kind of pissed," said Clyde Snemborough, today outside an W-AOL-Mart in a Houston shopping complex.

The new machines measure pupil dialation, body language cues, and body surface temperature, as well as "considering" complex market data it processes through satellite linking technology, which combine in the vending machines processor to determine exactly the highest possible price that the consumer standing in front of it will be willing to pay.

Some savvy consumers in Atlanta tried to give their change to random people walking by to make the purchase for them, in order to get a lower cost, but engineers apparently foresaw this. A "null" desire for the beverage sets the price at it's highest setting.

There might be chinks in the armor of this new pricing scheme, however. One high-schooler in Chicago stood in front of the machine, and using what she called "deep breathing and relaxation techniques" willed the price on the machine in front of her down almost forty cents. She left without buying anything. However, just a few yards away, angry consumers attacked a similar machine with their fists, beating it until smoke began to rise from it, and security employees chased them away.

NANOHORSES: A SMALL PROBLEM? (Reuters3)

(Cambridge, MA) What sounds like a sheet of cellophane being shaken, floods across any surface and itches like crazy? The newest outbreak in nanoviral lifeforms, the nanohorse.

These tiny nuisances have cropped up seemingly everywhere from Boston to Los Angeles, slowly galloping across the country, occasionally even into homes, the nanohorse is the newest link in a chain of self adapting tiny lifeforms loosely based upon the physics of familiar animals.

The origin of the nanohorse adaptation, believed to be a virus, is as of yet unknown. It is suspected however that the diminutive beast was built from a platform in beta testing at the Massachussets school that was leaked to the public over the internets in fall 2044. Fletcher Dodge, department head of nanotechnology at MIT has been working on culling the almost microscopic bother.

"We have worked extremely hard to prevent exactly this type of thing from occurring, recursive inhibitors, patents, terminator 'chine technology. You just can't stop it. There will always be a few bad apples out there."

The nanohorse, like the familiar bioeng horse, is an athletic quadroped with a long face and brushy mane and tail. It's movement if observed with a powerful microscope is very similar to the trotting motion of it's namesake. "The thing is, the physics are so different on that scale that these creatures can adhere to even vertical surfaces." says Parker Lexus, an industry spokesperson for leading nanotech firm Smallworld. "The havoc these things can create has proved to be absolutely unbelievable, these critters can destroy delicate machinery. For instance, a team of nanohorses can take out a legtop superbox sitting on an endtable in less than a minute if left unattended. I just hope one of them doesn't get into somewhere like a hospital."

The nanohorse has also proven itself to be a destructive factor even to other nanomachines, grazing on strings of the simpler devices as if they were pasture. However, it is not entirely a lost cause according to Stetson Blanco, represesntative for Deleted Disintrustries A.I.C. : "So far our experimental model involving nanotech rendering modules staffed by simple robot 'nanoranchers' is the only chance of stopping this phenomenon currently in development."

When asked about the possibility of actually supressing the nanohorse for good he was less enthusiastic, "Well, I mean, shit, we'll give it a shot. Why you got any better ideas?"

WALL STREET: HO's UP, G's DOWN (Nite Ridder)

(New Magnoilia, LA) Markets slipped into chaos today as Ho's surpassed G's in market trading. "I haven't seen anything like it." said Andre Carnegie, an investment banker in Louisiana. "This shit is off the chain, bitches totally out of check." The shock wave reverberated throughout Wall Street, causing a selling frenzy which led to a two day plummet in G's stock. "The Ho has always been a powerful economic force, but never would have we expected anything as fortuitous as this." said a giddy Bao Cu'ong, vice treasury minister of newly united trading powerhouse Cambodnam. Standard and Poor's Street Cred index fluctuated rapidly as indications of the upset began to trickle out. Ho Charlaine Stewart said of the reversal "Sheeit, this changes everything, finally our long term investments and shrewd use of hedge funds have panned out into a sound plan that anyone would be proud to have in their portfolio. Payback is a motherfucker." The G's are said to be regrouping and possibly planning drastic budget cutbacks and possibly layoffs in a desperate attempt to regain investor confidence.

DOW TUMBLES AFTER FRAUD REPORT (AP)

(Dangriga, Belize) A decades old and established speculating company on the web was today rocked by scandal. An investigative piece in the NYT broke the news that the expensive white papers and research the company sold to investors around the world was not what it purported to be.

"They were just making it up," US Attorney General John McCormick announced. "Worse than that, they were outsourcing people to make things up."

Specula-Tacular Predictions, LLC, founded by a group of chronic substance abusers over thirty years ago, has become something of a golden oracle for fund investors and currency speculators.

On the release of the news of the scandal, The Dow took a tumble not seen since the first days of the 2009 Dark Tuesday Crash.

"At one point they hired a call center in India, but then had the employees go out in the streets of Jakarta and insisted the call center go out and pay homeless people to pick numbers out of paper bags, and called it 'sophisticated non-linear algebraic algorithms,'" Col. Edgar Schumaker of the Homeland Security Strike Force said. "We consider such destabilizing international action as nothing less than treasonous."

Rumors have it that for the last decade, founding members have spent millions in ill-gotten gains buying rounds of drinks and throwing lavish parties all over the world, as well as paying for liver transplants for themselves and others - sometimes perfect strangers they met in bars or at drunken beach parties. Founders are also accused of having close ties to international rings of marijuana and tobacco smugglers.

At a press conference this afternoon at the company headquarters - a fleet of small but sophisticated houseboats currently shored off the coast of Belize - a reporter asked if the company was worried about the pending lawsuits and possible military action:

"We're not worried about it at all. We will go back in time and change all of this," a spokeswoman for the company said. "None of you will even remember any of this happened."