Wednesday

 

New Household Appliance Keeps Floors, Souls Spotless

VATICAN CITY--The company that brought you the Roomba (vacuum cleaning) and Scooba (floor washing) and Looja (gutter robot) is pleased to present its latest product, which is the fruit of an unlikely collaboration between the iRobot Corporation and the Roman Catholic church called the Puurja™, the self-castigating robot that atones for your sins so you don’t have to.

Venial sin collects around the house if you don’t have time to tidy your soul. Puurja™ is one of the newest innovations in home maintenance, soul and conscience cleansing, advanced anti-blasphemy technology and assisting the transitioning from a corrupted state to one of grace.

* Covers 4 household members on a single battery charge
* Wireless Guilt Alleviation
* On-board Penance
* Self-charging Absolution Stand®
* 3 Virtual Confessionals®
* Rugged burlap finish
* 7 Mortal Sin filters
* 40 modular Venial Sin filters

The Puurja™ is a confluence of groundbreaking modern housecleaning technology, the Roman Catholic doctrine of issuing indulgences, and the British folk tradition of the sin-eater, in which a beggar is hired to take on, through ritual means, the sins of a dying or dead person through food or drink, thereby absolving his or her soul and allowing that person to rest in peace.

The Puurja™ achieves similar results by tracking its way along the floor of the customer’s home, like a penitent on hands and knees, collecting and absolving the sin of the household as it goes. It is not uncommon for the Puurja™, upon being burdened with a particularly grave act of sin, to run itself into a wall repeatedly for hours on end. Many believe this is a malfunction, but it is simply the sin working its way through a particularly involved absolution. Sometimes the Puurja™ will also let out a blood curdling cry or wail, and a grinding sound in the mechanisms gears simulates the gnashing of teeth*. When customers see their Puurja™ hard at work, outfitted in ragged burlap sackcloth and covered in ash, they can rest secure knowing that the price has been paid ($129.95) for their burden of sin.

*Puurja may also set itself on fire.

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