Wednesday

 

New Household Appliance Keeps Floors, Souls Spotless

VATICAN CITY--The company that brought you the Roomba (vacuum cleaning) and Scooba (floor washing) and Looja (gutter robot) is pleased to present its latest product, which is the fruit of an unlikely collaboration between the iRobot Corporation and the Roman Catholic church called the Puurja™, the self-castigating robot that atones for your sins so you don’t have to.

Venial sin collects around the house if you don’t have time to tidy your soul. Puurja™ is one of the newest innovations in home maintenance, soul and conscience cleansing, advanced anti-blasphemy technology and assisting the transitioning from a corrupted state to one of grace.

* Covers 4 household members on a single battery charge
* Wireless Guilt Alleviation
* On-board Penance
* Self-charging Absolution Stand®
* 3 Virtual Confessionals®
* Rugged burlap finish
* 7 Mortal Sin filters
* 40 modular Venial Sin filters

The Puurja™ is a confluence of groundbreaking modern housecleaning technology, the Roman Catholic doctrine of issuing indulgences, and the British folk tradition of the sin-eater, in which a beggar is hired to take on, through ritual means, the sins of a dying or dead person through food or drink, thereby absolving his or her soul and allowing that person to rest in peace.

The Puurja™ achieves similar results by tracking its way along the floor of the customer’s home, like a penitent on hands and knees, collecting and absolving the sin of the household as it goes. It is not uncommon for the Puurja™, upon being burdened with a particularly grave act of sin, to run itself into a wall repeatedly for hours on end. Many believe this is a malfunction, but it is simply the sin working its way through a particularly involved absolution. Sometimes the Puurja™ will also let out a blood curdling cry or wail, and a grinding sound in the mechanisms gears simulates the gnashing of teeth*. When customers see their Puurja™ hard at work, outfitted in ragged burlap sackcloth and covered in ash, they can rest secure knowing that the price has been paid ($129.95) for their burden of sin.

*Puurja may also set itself on fire.

Monday

 

Beam Yourself Into the Future!


Sunday

 

Improving your business acumen

You're beautiful more beautiful than me
You're honorable more honorable than me
Loyal to the Bank of America


Friday

 

June 24, 2025


Selections from The Journal of Supremacy Architecture, a publication of Yale University

SKULL AND BONES AND SKIS

Ouray, Colorado--
Where have all the skis gone? For decades, Telluride, Colorado had been a Mecca for the Nation's elite to get together, hob-nob, and enjoy the challenging slopes surrounding this bucolic Southern Colorado town. However, as the summer market heats-up, the winter market has warmed over. The Town Council has for years been slowly steering the community towards a year-round festival economy, and rightly so, as global warming has finally claimed the snow skiing industry as an idea whose time has passed.

Local residents have taken advantage of this permanent lull by incorporating millions of snow skis into their homegrown building methodology. Megan Tancredo, spokeswoman for The Scroll and Key of the Lord, a faith-based community in nearby Ouray explains: "We've vast resources and influence in all levels of Government. We could build with any material we choose. We feel that the use of Snow Skis for our surface materials are both an homage to our heritage and a cost-effective alternative to more traditional options." Of course, it was a process of trial and error: "At first, our designers required that we sheathed the Great Hall with the tips up. You can imagine how we weathered our first winter rain . . . it wasn't good, the eugenics lab suffered horribly." Now the skis are attached to the virgin Brazilian Mahogany frame with the tips down. Tancredo continues: "It didn't set us back too much, it's not like the rain brought any niggers. Once the wet-backs sopped up the floor we sent them back to Pueblo."

Farther down the newly paved street is the home of the Global Resources Institute for the Advancement of the Idea that God is White, Neo-Conservative, and Holy (GWRIN-CH). Nestled unto a crevasse of the sleepy box canyon, GWRIN-CH can be identified by a large cross constructed of bundled ski poles. "We made a deal," explains Greta Cheney, "if we wanted the Skis, we had to take a commensurate number of poles." Cheney guides me to the guest center, a long and low, and window-less, lodge constructed with walls of ski boots and mortar. "It was the right decision, natural light has never been a priority. The stench you experience in here is derived from the hard-driving nature of snow-skiers throughout history." Cheney continues, "After a while, the aroma becomes hypnotic."

There is a startling lack of architecture on the GWINC-CH campus. A majority of their interior square footage is below the surface of the earth. Other than the Guest's Center the only other structure is the Pioneer's Prayer Center. At 109 feet long, the Prayer Center is constructed with a combination of biological elements and snow skis. At its core, the structural system is a re-constructed Great Blue Whale skeleton, one of the last taken in the north seas, with a surface application of skis arranged in a staccato pattern. The pattern is based on the rhythmical undulations of Wagner's ode to Nietche's "Thus Spake Zarathrusra, " more notably, the passage known as "Ride of the Valkyrie." Or the mitigated fenestration is based upon the Classical Opera "Der Ring." Either way, the skis were delicately placed on some fucking piece of classical music. Or the skis were places in a haphazard and frenetic arrangement as a testament to the difficulty of arranging and applying snow skis to a whale skeleton. The wind through the structure makes a wistful and clattering sound.

A visit to Ouray is definitely worth one's time. A word to the wise: if Mrs. Cheney greets you at the back door of the guest center wearing bondage gear and a snowmobile cowling, advance no further. As she would put it: "I don't go for that kinky shit."

Monday

 

July 20, 1969


Apollo 11 was the first manned mission to land on the Moon. It was the fifth human spaceflight of the Apollo program, and the third human voyage to the moon. Launched on July 16, 1969, it carried Commander Neil Armstrong, Command Module Pilot Michael Collins and Lunar Module Pilot Edwin 'Buzz' Aldrin. On July 20, Armstrong and Aldrin became the first humans to set foot on the Moon, while Collins orbited above.
Click here to listen to the audio.

Saturday

 

2015: Bush Still President; President's Staff Cries "Treason"

In a press release and conference, interim White House press secretary Andrea Schullman criticized the New York Times for reporting that George W. Bush remains president, despite only being elected once in the 2004 presidential elections.

"Reckless, terroristic reporting," is how Schullman described the story. "The American people are ill-served by such grotesque violations of our national security." Schullman claimed that the story may violate the Terrorism and Information Act of 2009, which provides severe penalties for reporting national secrets. Debate about the meaning of "national secrets" has remained behind closed doors.

"To release the meaning of national secrets would give too much information to our enemies," stated a Congressional representative who refused to allow his name to be published.

Current president Scott McClelland, once Bush's press secretary, criticized the story by speakerphone from Camp David.

"I'm president," McClelland said. "I'm the one in Camp David, ordering people around. I'm the Camp Davider."

Among other revelations, the embattled Times reported that President Bush has been secretly consulting the ailing Dick Cheney, who resigned as Vice-President after his second term and later relocated to an isolated ranch in his home state of Wyoming. Cheney has been unavailable to the media since 2010, when he began refusing comment on sensitive issues even within his own family. A cousin close to the Cheney family reported that Cheney's physicians were concerned because of his unwillingness to reveal medical information to them, and that his physicians were often not allowed to read media reports about Cheney, out of concern that they might be biased against the former oil executive.

Mr. Bush, from his ranch in Texas, got a good laugh out of the Times story.

"Oh, I know Boody," he said, using the familiar nickname for Times publisher Penny Boudreaux. "We can resolve this .... problem .... easily."

Thursday

 

FEBRUARY 19, 2001

"Charlotte's Goat" (Forbes)

"
In a concrete bunker on a mothballed Air Force base in Plattsburgh, New York, two Nigerian dwarf goats named Mille and Muscade joyfully munch grass and slurp water. Oddly, they are protected from intruders by security guards and razor wire.

Only 20 weeks old, these sister beasts warrant tight security because their milk is highly prized by the U.S. military. Their 70,000-gene chromosomes have been manipulated to include a gene from the orb weaver, a palm-size spider that spins the world's toughest natural material. Researchers are "growing" the spider's silk inside Mille and Muscade's mammary glands.

These strands of silk, just 3 microns thick, are three times as tough as DuPont's bulletproof Kevlar. A woven cable as thick as your thumb can bear the weight of a jumbo jet. Once perfected, the silk will be used for featherweight ballistic vests, medical sutures and artificial ligaments."

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