Specula-tacular

In a press release and conference, interim White House press secretary Andrea Schullman criticized the New York Times for reporting that George W. Bush remains president, despite only being elected once in the 2004 presidential elections.

"Reckless, terroristic reporting," is how Schullman described the story. "The American people are ill-served by such grotesque violations of our national security." Schullman claimed that the story may violate the Terrorism and Information Act of 2009, which provides severe penalties for reporting national secrets. Debate about the meaning of "national secrets" has remained behind closed doors.

"To release the meaning of national secrets would give too much information to our enemies," stated a Congressional representative who refused to allow his name to be published.

Current president Scott McClelland, once Bush's press secretary, criticized the story by speakerphone from Camp David.

"I'm president," McClelland said. "I'm the one in Camp David, ordering people around. I'm the Camp Davider."

Among other revelations, the embattled Times reported that President Bush has been secretly consulting the ailing Dick Cheney, who resigned as Vice-President after his second term and later relocated to an isolated ranch in his home state of Wyoming. Cheney has been unavailable to the media since 2010, when he began refusing comment on sensitive issues even within his own family. A cousin close to the Cheney family reported that Cheney's physicians were concerned because of his unwillingness to reveal medical information to them, and that his physicians were often not allowed to read media reports about Cheney, out of concern that they might be biased against the former oil executive.

Mr. Bush, from his ranch in Texas, got a good laugh out of the Times story.

"Oh, I know Boody," he said, using the familiar nickname for Times publisher Penny Boudreaux. "We can resolve this .... problem .... easily."