Wednesday
New Household Appliance Keeps Floors, Souls Spotless
VATICAN CITY--The company that brought you the Roomba™ (vacuum cleaning) and Scooba™ (floor washing) and Looja™ (gutter robot) is pleased to present its latest product, which is the fruit of an unlikely collaboration between the iRobot Corporation and the Roman Catholic church called the Puurja™, the self-castigating robot that atones for your sins so you don’t have to.
Venial sin collects around the house if you don’t have time to tidy your soul. Puurja™ is one of the newest innovations in home maintenance, soul and conscience cleansing, advanced anti-blasphemy technology and assisting the transitioning from a corrupted state to one of grace.
* Covers 4 household members on a single battery charge
* Wireless Guilt Alleviation
* On-board Penance
* Self-charging Absolution Stand®
* 3 Virtual Confessionals®
* Rugged burlap finish
* 7 Mortal Sin filters
* 40 modular Venial Sin filters
The Puurja™ is a confluence of groundbreaking modern housecleaning technology, the Roman Catholic doctrine of issuing indulgences, and the British folk tradition of the sin-eater, in which a beggar is hired to take on, through ritual means, the sins of a dying or dead person through food or drink, thereby absolving his or her soul and allowing that person to rest in peace.
The Puurja™ achieves similar results by tracking its way along the floor of the customer’s home, like a penitent on hands and knees, collecting and absolving the sin of the household as it goes. It is not uncommon for the Puurja™, upon being burdened with a particularly grave act of sin, to run itself into a wall repeatedly for hours on end. Many believe this is a malfunction, but it is simply the sin working its way through a particularly involved absolution. Sometimes the Puurja™ will also let out a blood curdling cry or wail, and a grinding sound in the mechanisms gears simulates the gnashing of teeth*. When customers see their Puurja™ hard at work, outfitted in ragged burlap sackcloth and covered in ash, they can rest secure knowing that the price has been paid ($129.95) for their burden of sin.
*Puurja may also set itself on fire.
Venial sin collects around the house if you don’t have time to tidy your soul. Puurja™ is one of the newest innovations in home maintenance, soul and conscience cleansing, advanced anti-blasphemy technology and assisting the transitioning from a corrupted state to one of grace.
* Covers 4 household members on a single battery charge
* Wireless Guilt Alleviation
* On-board Penance
* Self-charging Absolution Stand®
* 3 Virtual Confessionals®
* Rugged burlap finish
* 7 Mortal Sin filters
* 40 modular Venial Sin filters
The Puurja™ is a confluence of groundbreaking modern housecleaning technology, the Roman Catholic doctrine of issuing indulgences, and the British folk tradition of the sin-eater, in which a beggar is hired to take on, through ritual means, the sins of a dying or dead person through food or drink, thereby absolving his or her soul and allowing that person to rest in peace.
The Puurja™ achieves similar results by tracking its way along the floor of the customer’s home, like a penitent on hands and knees, collecting and absolving the sin of the household as it goes. It is not uncommon for the Puurja™, upon being burdened with a particularly grave act of sin, to run itself into a wall repeatedly for hours on end. Many believe this is a malfunction, but it is simply the sin working its way through a particularly involved absolution. Sometimes the Puurja™ will also let out a blood curdling cry or wail, and a grinding sound in the mechanisms gears simulates the gnashing of teeth*. When customers see their Puurja™ hard at work, outfitted in ragged burlap sackcloth and covered in ash, they can rest secure knowing that the price has been paid ($129.95) for their burden of sin.
*Puurja may also set itself on fire.
Monday
Beam Yourself Into the Future!
Sunday
Improving your business acumen
You're beautiful more beautiful than me
You're honorable more honorable than me
Loyal to the Bank of America
You're honorable more honorable than me
Loyal to the Bank of America
Monday
July 20, 1969
Apollo 11 was the first manned mission to land on the Moon. It was the fifth human spaceflight of the Apollo program, and the third human voyage to the moon. Launched on July 16, 1969, it carried Commander Neil Armstrong, Command Module Pilot Michael Collins and Lunar Module Pilot Edwin 'Buzz' Aldrin. On July 20, Armstrong and Aldrin became the first humans to set foot on the Moon, while Collins orbited above.
Click here to listen to the audio.
Click here to listen to the audio.
Saturday
2015: Bush Still President; President's Staff Cries "Treason"
In a press release and conference, interim White House press secretary Andrea Schullman criticized the New York Times for reporting that George W. Bush remains president, despite only being elected once in the 2004 presidential elections.
"Reckless, terroristic reporting," is how Schullman described the story. "The American people are ill-served by such grotesque violations of our national security." Schullman claimed that the story may violate the Terrorism and Information Act of 2009, which provides severe penalties for reporting national secrets. Debate about the meaning of "national secrets" has remained behind closed doors.
"To release the meaning of national secrets would give too much information to our enemies," stated a Congressional representative who refused to allow his name to be published.
Current president Scott McClelland, once Bush's press secretary, criticized the story by speakerphone from Camp David.
"I'm president," McClelland said. "I'm the one in Camp David, ordering people around. I'm the Camp Davider."
Among other revelations, the embattled Times reported that President Bush has been secretly consulting the ailing Dick Cheney, who resigned as Vice-President after his second term and later relocated to an isolated ranch in his home state of Wyoming. Cheney has been unavailable to the media since 2010, when he began refusing comment on sensitive issues even within his own family. A cousin close to the Cheney family reported that Cheney's physicians were concerned because of his unwillingness to reveal medical information to them, and that his physicians were often not allowed to read media reports about Cheney, out of concern that they might be biased against the former oil executive.
Mr. Bush, from his ranch in Texas, got a good laugh out of the Times story.
"Oh, I know Boody," he said, using the familiar nickname for Times publisher Penny Boudreaux. "We can resolve this .... problem .... easily."
"Reckless, terroristic reporting," is how Schullman described the story. "The American people are ill-served by such grotesque violations of our national security." Schullman claimed that the story may violate the Terrorism and Information Act of 2009, which provides severe penalties for reporting national secrets. Debate about the meaning of "national secrets" has remained behind closed doors.
"To release the meaning of national secrets would give too much information to our enemies," stated a Congressional representative who refused to allow his name to be published.
Current president Scott McClelland, once Bush's press secretary, criticized the story by speakerphone from Camp David.
"I'm president," McClelland said. "I'm the one in Camp David, ordering people around. I'm the Camp Davider."
Among other revelations, the embattled Times reported that President Bush has been secretly consulting the ailing Dick Cheney, who resigned as Vice-President after his second term and later relocated to an isolated ranch in his home state of Wyoming. Cheney has been unavailable to the media since 2010, when he began refusing comment on sensitive issues even within his own family. A cousin close to the Cheney family reported that Cheney's physicians were concerned because of his unwillingness to reveal medical information to them, and that his physicians were often not allowed to read media reports about Cheney, out of concern that they might be biased against the former oil executive.
Mr. Bush, from his ranch in Texas, got a good laugh out of the Times story.
"Oh, I know Boody," he said, using the familiar nickname for Times publisher Penny Boudreaux. "We can resolve this .... problem .... easily."
Thursday
FEBRUARY 19, 2001
"Charlotte's Goat" (Forbes)
"In a concrete bunker on a mothballed Air Force base in Plattsburgh, New York, two Nigerian dwarf goats named Mille and Muscade joyfully munch grass and slurp water. Oddly, they are protected from intruders by security guards and razor wire.
Only 20 weeks old, these sister beasts warrant tight security because their milk is highly prized by the U.S. military. Their 70,000-gene chromosomes have been manipulated to include a gene from the orb weaver, a palm-size spider that spins the world's toughest natural material. Researchers are "growing" the spider's silk inside Mille and Muscade's mammary glands.
These strands of silk, just 3 microns thick, are three times as tough as DuPont's bulletproof Kevlar. A woven cable as thick as your thumb can bear the weight of a jumbo jet. Once perfected, the silk will be used for featherweight ballistic vests, medical sutures and artificial ligaments."
"In a concrete bunker on a mothballed Air Force base in Plattsburgh, New York, two Nigerian dwarf goats named Mille and Muscade joyfully munch grass and slurp water. Oddly, they are protected from intruders by security guards and razor wire.
Only 20 weeks old, these sister beasts warrant tight security because their milk is highly prized by the U.S. military. Their 70,000-gene chromosomes have been manipulated to include a gene from the orb weaver, a palm-size spider that spins the world's toughest natural material. Researchers are "growing" the spider's silk inside Mille and Muscade's mammary glands.
These strands of silk, just 3 microns thick, are three times as tough as DuPont's bulletproof Kevlar. A woven cable as thick as your thumb can bear the weight of a jumbo jet. Once perfected, the silk will be used for featherweight ballistic vests, medical sutures and artificial ligaments."
OCTOBER 15, 2012
WTF? liek i can even DEAL! Lols... (COLUMBIA JOURNALISM REVIEW)
after school .
went to like slack .
at blocks .
then went to 238 .
then after that sat there and like play .. slack .
then was like it's so them unlucky .
people nowadays are just far too busybody .
and someone actually went to the nearest police station to complian that we were smoking and making far too much noise under the blocks .
FREAKING bo liao ..
if we stay under the blocks , but we are not fighting or rioting !
we are SLACKING .
then we got screen by police .
WTH .
and it's like the police one is handsome lors !
his name is david .
LOLS .
saw it on his name tag .
and guess what ?
larry has got his phone number !
and that david .
actually though that i was esther and . esther was rosabelle .
LOLs .
hahas .
superfunny !
we got screen but we still can like joke .
okays ..
then ...
well ... but the police gave chance .
but they are gonna write reports to OUR SCHOOL OM and PARENTS !
DAMNN !
OM we die !
PARENTS we also DIE !
what to do ?
LOLS.
well .. just hope that mr raymond does not come and find us tml or next week !
god bless !
LATA!
after school .went to like slack .
at blocks .
then went to 238 .
then after that sat there and like play .. slack .
then was like it's so them unlucky .
people nowadays are just far too busybody .
and someone actually went to the nearest police station to complian that we were smoking and making far too much noise under the blocks .
FREAKING bo liao ..
if we stay under the blocks , but we are not fighting or rioting !
we are SLACKING .
then we got screen by police .
WTH .
and it's like the police one is handsome lors !
his name is david .
LOLS .
saw it on his name tag .
and guess what ?
larry has got his phone number !
and that david .
actually though that i was esther and . esther was rosabelle .
LOLs .
hahas .
superfunny !
we got screen but we still can like joke .
okays ..
then ...
well ... but the police gave chance .
but they are gonna write reports to OUR SCHOOL OM and PARENTS !
DAMNN !
OM we die !
PARENTS we also DIE !
what to do ?
LOLS.
well .. just hope that mr raymond does not come and find us tml or next week !
god bless !
LATA!
