Specula-tacular

INFINITE HUMMER NO BUMMER (Newsweek – Auto Trends)

Following the success of the extremely popular H10, Hummer teamed up with NASA and unveiled the prototype of the H∞ yesterday at North American International Auto Show in Silicon Valley yesterday. Billed as “The World’s Only Infinite SUV,” the H∞ extends infinitely toward the rear, snaking out into space and time.

(LEFT) A photo of the H∞, courtesy of Hummer & NASA. The SUV extends infinitely to the left of the frame (infinity not pictured).

The scientists who developed the project have no illusions about the actual functionality of a vehicle that extends infinitely in one direction. “The Hummer as a practical tool for off-roading effectively ended with the H5,” said Head Designer and Theoretician Everett Eismann, “and H7-H9 were set pieces, good for displaying on a few acres of land, but by no means fit for the road.”

Eismann and his team of designers and mathemeticians suffered a major setback two years ago when they attempted to build an infinite SUV based on the frame of the Cadillac Escalade. The curved lines of the design caused a tempospatial instability in the lab and he lost several of his best scientists in the disaster. “It was a tough lesson, but we came away from that terrible experience having learned that the body segments must be as close to hexagonal as possible—and though I'll admit that no one wants an SUV that looks like a soccer ball, the rectilinear lines of the Hummer body structure were just close enough to work…theoretically and aesthetically.”

(ABOVE) The much maligned Infinite Escalade project (left) was marred with technological mishaps. The number of parts on the Escalade and the curvature of the design led to massive failures not encountered with the boxier, simplified H∞ (right). (Figures courtesy of E.Eismann)

“What we have done with the H∞ is essentially take the Hummer model into its next logical incarnation,” Eismann continued, “which means rendering a vehicle—if you can call it that—whose utter impracticality on the road is trumped only by the near-absolute power and prestige the H∞ confers on the owner.”

Pretty wild. Is there anything more in the works? “We were toying with a model that extends infinitely in all directions, but we ran into some complications.”