Specula-tacular

DOW TUMBLES AFTER FRAUD REPORT (AP)

(Dangriga, Belize) A decades old and established speculating company on the web was today rocked by scandal. An investigative piece in the NYT broke the news that the expensive white papers and research the company sold to investors around the world was not what it purported to be.

"They were just making it up," US Attorney General John McCormick announced. "Worse than that, they were outsourcing people to make things up."

Specula-Tacular Predictions, LLC, founded by a group of chronic substance abusers over thirty years ago, has become something of a golden oracle for fund investors and currency speculators.

On the release of the news of the scandal, The Dow took a tumble not seen since the first days of the 2009 Dark Tuesday Crash.

"At one point they hired a call center in India, but then had the employees go out in the streets of Jakarta and insisted the call center go out and pay homeless people to pick numbers out of paper bags, and called it 'sophisticated non-linear algebraic algorithms,'" Col. Edgar Schumaker of the Homeland Security Strike Force said. "We consider such destabilizing international action as nothing less than treasonous."

Rumors have it that for the last decade, founding members have spent millions in ill-gotten gains buying rounds of drinks and throwing lavish parties all over the world, as well as paying for liver transplants for themselves and others - sometimes perfect strangers they met in bars or at drunken beach parties. Founders are also accused of having close ties to international rings of marijuana and tobacco smugglers.

At a press conference this afternoon at the company headquarters - a fleet of small but sophisticated houseboats currently shored off the coast of Belize - a reporter asked if the company was worried about the pending lawsuits and possible military action:

"We're not worried about it at all. We will go back in time and change all of this," a spokeswoman for the company said. "None of you will even remember any of this happened."